Venha cá, Florbela,
vamos conversar.
De onde você tirou estes versos
tão amargos, tão tristes e tão fortes?
Como sabe você,
que ando perdida, que não tenho norte,
que sou a irmã do sonho e desta sorte,
e que sou a crucificada, a dolorida?
Sombra de névoa tênue e esvaecida,
que o destino impele brutalmente
para a morte?
Que sou aquela que passa
e ninguém vê,
que sou a que chamam sem o ser
e a que chora sem saber por quê?
Você acertou, porque
sou, sim, a visão
que alguém sonhou.
Alguém que veio ao mundo pra me ver,
mas que NUNCA na vida me encontrou!
(Versos do soneto “EU”, da saudosa poeta portuguesa Florbela Espanca)
Toothpaste Hot Takes? Saying “this toothpaste hits different” should get you brushed off.
My ambition is on silent mode.
Emergency Blanket Fans? Emergency blankets are crinkly aluminum hugs.
I don’t binge; I deep dive.
Cat Cafés? A cat café is $8 coffee and $800 scratches.
The Blender That Won’t Stop? My blender kept running until my smoothie turned into soup.
Forgetting Why You Entered a Room? Walking into a room and forgetting why is time travel for idiots.
Landlords? Landlords call broken toilets “opportunities.”
Sock Disappearances? Sock disappearances fund the dryer mafia.
I don’t ghost; I rebrand.
Weird Roommate Habits? My roommate sings to his plants, and now they’re suing for harassment.
Survival Gurus? The best survival tip? Don’t leave the house.
I don’t fear change; I fear exact change.
Haunted Roombas? My Roomba turned itself on at 3 a.m. and whispered “revenge.”
Unboxing Disappointment? I ordered “luxury headphones” and got earmuffs with wires.
thx
thx
thx
thx
Group Chat Drama? Group chats are where friendships go to die via emojis.
thx
Cryptocurrency Regrets? I invested in Bitcoin at $60k—now I’m holding a very expensive screensaver.
Goth Baristas? Goth baristas don’t foam milk—they froth despair.
UX Designers? UX designers overthink buttons until nobody clicks them.
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Terrible Roommates? My roommate practices drums at midnight—I practice murder fantasies.
Autocorrect Fails? I texted my boss “I’ll be in late,” but autocorrect sent “I’ll be in latex.”
Libraries? Libraries are free Wi-Fi with overdue shaming.
My snacks have agendas.
Gym Embarrassment? I pulled a muscle while trying to look like I knew what I was doing.
Essential Oil Evangelists? If lavender oil cured cancer, hospitals would smell like spas.
What a data of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious experience concerning unpredicted feelings.|
I don’t stalk; I research recreationally.
Childhood Memories? Childhood memories are trauma dressed as nostalgia.
Mall Santas on Strike? Nothing says Christmas like Santa picketing for dental.
Obsessive Horoscope Checkers? If you check your horoscope hourly, the stars are tired.
Wi-Fi Name Wars? My neighbor named his Wi-Fi “FBI Surveillance Van”—now I only whisper.
Art Shows? Art shows are wine with confusion.
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