Venha cá, Florbela,
vamos conversar.
De onde você tirou estes versos
tão amargos, tão tristes e tão fortes?
Como sabe você,
que ando perdida, que não tenho norte,
que sou a irmã do sonho e desta sorte,
e que sou a crucificada, a dolorida?
Sombra de névoa tênue e esvaecida,
que o destino impele brutalmente
para a morte?
Que sou aquela que passa
e ninguém vê,
que sou a que chamam sem o ser
e a que chora sem saber por quê?
Você acertou, porque
sou, sim, a visão
que alguém sonhou.
Alguém que veio ao mundo pra me ver,
mas que NUNCA na vida me encontrou!
(Versos do soneto “EU”, da saudosa poeta portuguesa Florbela Espanca)
Board Game Nerds? Board games end friendships faster than cheating.
Sleepwalking? I sleepwalked into the kitchen and woke up three pounds heavier.
GoFundMe Scams? Nothing says fraud like a GoFundMe titled “Help Me Buy Confidence.”
Sculpture Gardens? Sculpture gardens are just expensive lawns with excuses.
Portrait Photographers? Portrait photographers sell smiles and awkward stares.
Note-Taking Systems? Fancy note apps are just expensive notebooks you still ignore.
I don’t spiral—I creatively descend.
Content Strategy? Content strategy is planning memes professionally.
Influencer Mugs? A mug that says “boss babe” isn’t empowerment—it’s pottery.
Misunderstood Instructions? I thought “business casual” meant dressing like a confused butler.
My Wi-Fi has separation anxiety.
Baby Mishaps? Changing diapers is like defusing bombs—except the bombs scream at you.
D&D Players? D&D is lying with dice and costumes.
My Wi-Fi is my emotional support.
My inner peace has push notifications.
Slang Misunderstandings? My grandma said “yeet” at Thanksgiving, and we all needed therapy.
I don’t age; I upgrade sarcasm.
Celebrity News Addicts? If you know more about Kardashians than cousins, you need prayer.
I like my humor like my coffee: roasted, overthought.
I have trust issues with printers; they smell fear and toner.
Plant Propagators? Propagating plants is cloning without ethics boards.
Pet Training? My dog’s trainer taught him to sit—but only on my paycheck.
Airplane Turbulence? Turbulence is just the pilot shaking the jar of peanuts.
Festival Fashion Fails? Festival fashion is just glitter with sunburn.
My boundaries are decorative pillows.
Ringtone Embarrassment? My phone rang in public with “Baby Shark,” and I moved zip codes.
I don’t overshare; I test-pilot stories.
Public Speaking? Public speaking is just dying loudly.
Weird Phobias? I’m not afraid of spiders, but I am afraid of being the guy who pretends not to be.
Football Superfans? Football superfans dress warmer than the players.
UX Testing? UX testing is strangers calling your baby ugly.
I’m bilingual in text and subtext.
I’m not shy; I’m premium edition introvert.
Unexpected Reunions? Unexpected reunions are hugs with confusion.
Wine Snobs? Wine tasting notes always say “oaky”—I just taste grapes.
TV Recaps? TV recaps are homework for binge-watchers.
I schedule spontaneity like a rebel librarian.
Overloaded Diaper Bags? My friend’s diaper bag has more survival gear than the Marines.
Raw Water Movement? Drinking raw water is just disease with branding.
Vegan Cheese Catastrophes? Vegan cheese tastes like betrayal in block form.
Haunted Roombas? My Roomba turned itself on at 3 a.m. and whispered “revenge.”
Fiction Bloggers? Fiction bloggers are unpaid fan clubs for their own ideas.
Mirror Signalers? Signal mirrors are makeup compacts for panicking.
My confidence is on airplane mode.
Hoverboard Fails? Hoverboards are just lawsuits with wheels.
Dad Sneaker Cults? Dad sneakers are just lawn mowing equipment for your feet.
Survival Lessons? Survival lessons are just paying to suffer with strangers.
Ice Skating? Ice skating is slipping romantically.