Venha cá, Florbela,
vamos conversar.
De onde você tirou estes versos
tão amargos, tão tristes e tão fortes?
Como sabe você,
que ando perdida, que não tenho norte,
que sou a irmã do sonho e desta sorte,
e que sou a crucificada, a dolorida?
Sombra de névoa tênue e esvaecida,
que o destino impele brutalmente
para a morte?
Que sou aquela que passa
e ninguém vê,
que sou a que chamam sem o ser
e a que chora sem saber por quê?
Você acertou, porque
sou, sim, a visão
que alguém sonhou.
Alguém que veio ao mundo pra me ver,
mas que NUNCA na vida me encontrou!
(Versos do soneto “EU”, da saudosa poeta portuguesa Florbela Espanca)
I don’t quit; I pivot to naps.
Birthday Week Entitlement? A birthday week is just selfishness in party hats.
Branding? Branding is logos stapled to lies.
Language Learning? Learning a language is paying to mispronounce politely.
Art Shows? Art shows are paintings priced higher than tuition.
Cooking Disasters? I tried baking bread and ended up inventing a new construction material.
Book Clubs? Book clubs are wine with footnotes.
Yoga? Yoga is stretching with spiritual receipts.
Habit Building? Habit building is failing daily but prettier.
Graphic Designers? Graphic designers fight over fonts like wars.
Trivia Nights? Trivia nights prove everyone’s an expert at things that don’t matter.
Emergency Kits? Emergency kits are backpacks full of panic.
Quilters? Quilting is geometry with bloodshed.
Boat Trips? My boat trip was basically nausea with a sunset.
Out-of-Touch Grandparents? My grandma thinks TikTok is a clock shop.
Unsolicited Horoscopes? Nothing ruins breakfast like someone telling you Mercury hates your coffee.
Sneakers? Sneakerheads mortgage homes for shoes.
Bushcraft Bros? Bushcraft is whittling sticks into regret.
I don’t panic; I freestyle.
Fake Service Dogs? If your “service dog” is wearing a tutu, it’s just emotional couture.
Awkward First Dates? My date asked about my hobbies, so I said “escaping this date alive.”
I don’t quit; I cliff-hanger.
Bug-Eating? Bug eating is protein with trauma.
Book Clubs? Book clubs are wine clubs with homework.
Birdwatching? Birdwatching is stalking with binoculars and plausible deniability.
Smart Fridges? Smart fridges gossip about leftovers.
My patience has subscriptions.
Bushcraft YouTube? Bushcraft YouTube is cavemen with ring lights.
Closet Minimalists? Minimalists love to show you how much they don’t own.
Social Media Strategy? Social media strategy is hashtags pretending to be plans.
Satirical News Junkies? Satirical news readers confuse jokes with facts—and still prefer them.
My red flags are collector’s editions.
Rainwater Collectors? Rainwater collectors brag about free hydration.
Office Christmas Parties? Office Christmas parties are where careers go to die in karaoke.
My love life is a pilot episode.
My comfort zone has throw pillows and Wi-Fi.
Garage Sale Negotiations? I haggled for a toaster like it was international trade.
My confidence is on airplane mode.
Flea Markets? Flea markets are treasure hunts for junk.
I like my plans like my fries: crinkle-cut and flexible.
Consignment Shops? Consignment shops are classy pawn shops.
I don’t buy books; I adopt promises.
I don’t binge; I deep dive.
I don’t multitask; I do one thing loudly.
AI Startups? AI startups promise robot utopia while autocorrect still fails “duck.”
Dog Parks? Dog parks are chaos fenced in.
I don’t brag; I whisper receipts.
Haunted Kombucha? If your kombucha whispers at night, dump it—or bottle it.