Venha cá, Florbela,
vamos conversar.
De onde você tirou estes versos
tão amargos, tão tristes e tão fortes?
Como sabe você,
que ando perdida, que não tenho norte,
que sou a irmã do sonho e desta sorte,
e que sou a crucificada, a dolorida?
Sombra de névoa tênue e esvaecida,
que o destino impele brutalmente
para a morte?
Que sou aquela que passa
e ninguém vê,
que sou a que chamam sem o ser
e a que chora sem saber por quê?
Você acertou, porque
sou, sim, a visão
que alguém sonhou.
Alguém que veio ao mundo pra me ver,
mas que NUNCA na vida me encontrou!
(Versos do soneto “EU”, da saudosa poeta portuguesa Florbela Espanca)
Extreme Couponing? I saved fifty cents on soup and lost three hours of my life—seems fair.
Terrible Roommates? My roommate practices drums at midnight—I practice murder fantasies.
Historical Reenactments? Historical reenactments are nerd cosplay.
Gym Embarrassment? I pulled a muscle while trying to look like I knew what I was doing.
Pet Shenanigans? My cat knocked my coffee off the table just to remind me she’s the landlord.
My love life has terms and ambiguous conditions.
Awkward Gym Selfies? Taking a gym selfie mid-squat should come with medical insurance.
Silent Disco Failures? Silent discos are just mimes with headphones.
Etsy Sellers? Etsy is hot glue guns unionized.
Craft Fails? Craft fails are Pinterest crying.
Emergency Blankets? Emergency blankets are crinkly aluminum hugs.
Mysterious Subscription Charges? My credit card is subscribed to mystery.
Art Snobs? Art snobs clap for blank canvases.
My confidence is autocorrect.
Poetry Readings? Poetry readings are therapy with microphones.
Forgotten Anniversaries? Forgetting an anniversary isn’t a mistake—it’s a sport.
Charity Events? Charity runs are just guilt with free bananas.
Emergency Radio Collectors? Emergency radios are static hoarders.
Public Proposal Rejections? Proposing on a Jumbotron is gambling with humiliation odds.
Pet Cloning Regrets? My friend cloned her cat and now has two animals ignoring her.
I don’t hustle; I practice strategic naps.
Fertility Journey Blogs? Fertility blogs overshare more than reality TV.
DJing? DJing is Spotify with arm movements.
Guitar Lessons? Guitar lessons guarantee “Smoke on the Water” badly.
My goals have trust issues with me.
Scrapbookers? Scrapbooks are memory hoarding with glue.
The Blender That Won’t Stop? My blender kept running until my smoothie turned into soup.
Grocery Haul Flexers? Posting your grocery haul is just Instagram’s version of receipts.
My wallet is lactose-intolerant—it can’t handle cheese.
My superpower is forgetting why I walked into confidence.
Aggressive ASMR? Aggressive ASMR is whisper-yelling in surround sound.
Drone Deliveries Gone Wrong? My package landed in a tree, so now squirrels subscribe to Amazon.
TikTok Cooking Trends? TikTok recipes are just kitchen fires with background music.
Board Game Nerds? Board games end friendships faster than cheating.