Venha cá, Florbela,
vamos conversar.
De onde você tirou estes versos
tão amargos, tão tristes e tão fortes?
Como sabe você,
que ando perdida, que não tenho norte,
que sou a irmã do sonho e desta sorte,
e que sou a crucificada, a dolorida?
Sombra de névoa tênue e esvaecida,
que o destino impele brutalmente
para a morte?
Que sou aquela que passa
e ninguém vê,
que sou a que chamam sem o ser
e a que chora sem saber por quê?
Você acertou, porque
sou, sim, a visão
que alguém sonhou.
Alguém que veio ao mundo pra me ver,
mas que NUNCA na vida me encontrou!
(Versos do soneto “EU”, da saudosa poeta portuguesa Florbela Espanca)
Bear Spray Users? Bear spray is just pepper spray with ambition.
Preppers? Preppers call hoarding “strategy.”
Business Strategy? Business strategy is guessing with confidence.
Passive-Aggressive Fridge Notes? “Whoever ate my yogurt” is a workplace murder mystery.
Baby Showers? Baby showers are gambling on diaper sizes.
Food Mishaps? I tried making spaghetti, but it turned out more like abstract art.
Bathroom Philosophers? If your deepest thoughts happen on the toilet, keep them there.
Overgrown Facial Hair? My beard grew so wild it applied for national park status.
Costume Contests? Costume contests are creativity judged by drunks.
Backyard Wrestling? Backyard wrestling is just family therapy without insurance.
Football Superfans? Football superfans dress warmer than the players.
Unintentional Innuendos? Nothing says “team bonding” like your boss telling you to “grab it harder.”
Fake Service Dogs? If your “service dog” is wearing a tutu, it’s just emotional couture.
Group Chat Drama? Group chats are where friendships go to die via emojis.
Science Fairs? Science fairs are baking soda wars.
Extreme Sports? Skydiving is just falling with paperwork.
thx
Carnival Games? Carnival games are scams that trade your dignity for a goldfish.
My toxic trait is thinking “quick shower” is a personality.
Men’s Grooming? Men’s grooming is beards hiding chins and sins.
Bows & Arrows? Bows and arrows are medieval cosplay at Walmart.
Affiliate Hustlers? Affiliate marketers are professional middle children.
Conventions? Conventions are Halloween with lanyards.
Armchair Coaches? Armchair coaches yell at TVs like it matters.
Parent-Teacher Showdown? Parent-teacher conferences are just therapy sessions with math homework.
Craft Beer Bros? Craft beer bros think IPAs are religion in pint form.
Charity Runs? Charity runs are proof people will jog if guilt is included.
Slack Status Overthinkers? Your Slack status doesn’t need to be poetry—it’s work, not Tinder.
Mindfulness Gurus? Mindfulness classes cost $300 to teach “breathe.”
Movie Marathons? A movie marathon is just a nap interrupted by explosions.
Salary Negotiations? Negotiating salary is just gambling with HR.
Horrible Public Wi-Fi? Public Wi-Fi is free malware with purchase.
Dreaming in Memes? If you dream in memes, your brain needs a hard reset.
I don’t binge; I study endings.
DJing? DJing is Spotify with arm movements.
My humor is SPF 50—protects from seriousness.
Snack Hoarders at Work? Office snack hoarders guard pretzels like they’re gold bars.
My confidence has seasonal discounts.
Hunting Bows? Hunting with bows is cosplay for Robin Hood.
Tiny Homes? Tiny homes are closets pretending to be mortgages.
Bushcraft YouTube? Bushcraft YouTube is cavemen with ring lights.
Hunting Bros? Hunting is camping with excuses for beer.
Science Fairs? Science fairs are volcano competitions in disguise.
I don’t fear change; I fear exact change.
Themed Funerals? A Star Wars funeral is fine until someone yells “Use the Force” during the eulogy.
Silent Disco Failures? Silent discos are just mimes with headphones.
thx
My humor pays in eye-rolls.
thx
Procrastination is my longest running limited series.