Eu: Fonte, Ponte e…Noite!

O primeiro chegou roubando a minha paixão adolescente. Arrebatou, num átimo, os sonhos platônicos que eu acalentava por uns olhos verdes e uma voz aveludada que, um ano depois, deixou este mundo abruptamente, aos dezoito anos.

            Aos solavancos, construímos uma relação que já começou comprometida por uma promessa de noivado dele com outra que já existia.
            Após um rompimento tumultuado, demos sequência à nossa relação. Foi aí que comecei a me tornar ponte.
            Estagnado na profissão e no salário, também, por ter se estagnado nos estudos há alguns anos, fui protagonista do primeiro alicerce dessa ponte, ao criar nele o gosto pelos estudos. Em sete anos da nossa convivência: cinco de namoro e dois de casados, ele terminou o ensino médio e se ingressou na faculdade. Após esse direcionamento de vida, finalizou-se a nossa relação.
            O segundo me chegou mais jovem, irradiando, portanto, alegria de viver e maior disposição para as descobertas, principalmente, as sexuais, que nos lançavam ao mundo das fantasias, libertando os nossos fantasmas, dando asas à nossa imaginação. Vivendo juntos, estudando juntos, fomos. Lançamo-nos ao universo com tamanha intensidade que ele resolveu buscar outros horizontes, fora do País. Eu, mais uma vez, ponte.
            O terceiro me chegou das reminiscências da minha pré-adolescência. Primo distante fazia parte dos meus sonhos nas minhas férias escolares no interior mineiro. Seus ombros fortes eram resultado do trabalho árduo desde a madrugada, na única padaria da pequena cidade. Mais velho do que eu, a minha admiração sempre fora física e platônica, uma vez que sua beleza já pertencia à outra donzela mais compatível com a sua idade, brotando dessa relação dois frutos.
            Mais de vinte anos se passaram até nos reencontrarmos.
            Diferentemente da juventude, seus ombros agora, não tão fortes e belos, carregavam o fardo de um crime.
            Preso, cumpria pena pela morte enigmática da esposa.
            Primeiramente, por uma pena que vem do coração, me aproximei, afinal, eu, novamente, ponte.
            Visitava-o semanalmente na cadeia, expondo-me a todo o tipo de crítica: desde a familiar até as da sociedade. Mas urgia que eu o salvasse, levando-lhe a minha presença, o meu alento e, por fim, o meu amor. Foi mais de dois anos em que o distanciamento meu da minha família culminou na maior aproximação dele. Porém, a sua prisão não foi em vão. Descobridepois, porque, por meio da nossa relação, me fiz sua prisioneira maior: física e psicologicamente, pois, com o passar do tempo, percebi que não conseguiria soltar as algemas que a ele me prendiam, uma vez que o nosso amor-, a princípio, obsessão, transformara-se em amor-ameaça. Eu me tornara a sua fonte, porque era nela que ele saciava todas as suas sedes: de prazer, de ser, de viver…
            Eu, fonte e ponte.
           Com muita fé, apoio e coragem, depois de muito tormento e muitas tormentas, abortei este amor a fórceps e consegui me libertar, porque ele, liberto da prisão, montou cativeiro na roça para aprisionar ovelhas desgarradas…
            O quarto me chegou já na maturidade.
         Como ponte, eu resistira a tempestades, avalanches, enfatizando, agora, o meu concreto. Mas sua experiência de ex-marido e pai, sua gentileza tão escassa no meio masculino ultimamente, sua voz doce (que no futuro diagnostiquei como grande lábia), seus poemas improvisados em plena manhã de segunda-feira, sem dia marcado, suas flores ao chegar do trabalho fizeram-me adentrar, novamente, no meu mundo de fantasias, onde, o príncipe que para mim há muito já se revelara sapo, reapareceu montado num cavalo branco, de porte altivo e coroa de brilhantes, espalhando pétalas de rosas no meu caminho, suavizando os meus passos… Assim, ele conseguiu sutilmente abalar a minha base. Porém, o seu alforje ainda eram sonhos que ele me prometia de todo o coração.
            Então, eu, novamente, ponte, me fiz sua passarela, e ele conseguiu chegar ao topo. Gordo salário, posição conquistada, e eu relegada. O amor dele morreu assim como nasceu: repentinamente.
            Hoje, penso que pago alto preço por ter sido ponte. Não, engana-se ou engano-me quando nisso creio. Sou fonte e ponte, por isso, em mim, abriga-se um manancial, ainda que, no momento, a minha sede não consiga buscar a água do meu poço…
            Estou no fosso, habito a noite, mas eu posso e vejo a luz, e nela um cavalo branco e manso sustenta um Riobaldo…

 

            Nas trilhas, agora, serei Diadorim: amarei até o fim, mas em segredo, porque, na verdade, “viver é muito perigoso”.

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